Let’s Talk About Sex Baby {5 Conversations: Saying No}

If you’re following along in our study on 5 Conversations You Must Have with Your Son, Raise your hand if the Salt ‘n Pepa song came to mind at least once this last week.

If you are doing the study with us, here is where we will converse about the daily study.  Contribute to the conversation by leaving your thoughts in the comment field.  Answer one question or answer all… feel free.  Make sure you check the box for “Notify me of follow-up comments via email” so the conversation isn’t just one-way and you can also respond to comments.   If you have insight into parenting boys but aren’t necessarily doing the study with us, you are also free to join the conversation!

This week’s study was thought provoking to say the least. It caused me to think about my own upbringing, experiences, impressions, conversations with friends and parents {or should I say – lack, there of}.  And along with some other random conversations this week, really made me think about how the subject of sex is being leaked out, presented and impressed upon our kids.

From page 81:

“Our sons need to know that sex is good and that God, the Creator of sex, put some rules in place so that they might experience the best sex life possible.”

Question – How did you learn about sex growing up?

I’ll go first… I learned from my friends, the media, and thankfully at the right time in my life learned from some amazing youth leaders from church and other people’s parents.  {Shout out to Mrs. Reed!}  If God hadn’t intervened, life may have turned out very differently for me and I’m thankful that in the midst of hearing from a mom in my community, I realized even then how I wanted to approach the subject when I became a parent.

Consider this quote from page 92:

“For evangelicals, sex is a ‘symbolic boundary’ marking a good Christian from a bad one, but in reality, the kids are always sneaking across enemy lines.”

If you were to take a moment of honest introspection, is your view of sex

closely tied to your view of a good Christian? What are the results you are looking for in your kids?

About 15 years ago, I would have reluctantly answered yes.

This week’s conversation drove home the concept that we as mothers ought to be about shepherding and nurturing our children towards a relationship with God.  An authentic-Christocentric-Jesus-loving-Holy-Spirit-leading-Sheep-hearing-His-voice-kind of relationship with the Living God.

I want to do my best to impress upon my children the truth and give them a God honoring perspective of sex and how fantastic God intends it to be. That being said, we must be careful not to make virginity more important than a heart turned towards Jesus.

Should they remain pure until the day they are married, praise God… this is only one sign of fruitfulness.  Behavior modification will only go so far… heart transformation is eternal.

In retrospect, my view of sex was largely based on a rule, “don’t do it.”  I didn’t grow up understanding the “why’s” of God’s design.

Have you and if so, how have you began the conversation with your son? 

If your sons have reached adolescence, do you encourage them to wait? If so, how?

In our home, it’s began in 3rd grade.  The questions came up and we decided to answer them {age appropriately} lest they hear a different, less accurate answer from a friend.  My son told me the kids are already talking about it, so I was glad when we began.

Consider the following:

“We moms must approach the topic of sex with confidence and assurance, so our sons are left with no doubt that it is an amazing gift from God.  If we’ll only ask, God will give us the wisdom to know when to initiate conversations about sex and the boldness needed to approach the topic with confidence.  Our boys need to hear the truth.”

What makes you nervous about these conversations? 

If you are married, do you think it’s just as important for you to be having the conversations

along with your husband?  Or would you rather leave it up to him?  Why or why not?

And just a note… one of the best books I’ve read on the subject so far is called Teaching Your Children Healthy Sexuality by Jim Burns.  Jim is the President of HomeWord Ministries where they have a plethora of resources on marriage, relationships and parenting, including books on sexuality you can read along with children as young as 6 (which we’ve used).  We have found these resources helpful… and I didn’t get paid to say this.

9 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About Sex Baby {5 Conversations: Saying No}

  1. I must start by saying I’m glad my oldest boy is only 4 & I am glad to have some more time for my husband & I to talk about this & get a game plan together. =) Having said that, I’m already realizing that the way I respond to my husband before breakfast & when he gets home from work seriously affects how my children show him affection & (I can only assume) will affect how they relate to their future spouse. There was a time when my now 4 year old was about a year old & he refused to give Daddy a goodbye kiss or hello hug. It would result in a tantrum if the hug was insisted on & Daddy’s feelings were always a bit bruised. I realized that my son didn’t see me show his Dad affection often & once I made a point of being more public about it he followed suit. What’s funny is that now it’s hard for Shawn to get out the door to work because he has 2 toddlers pleading for “one more hug & one more kiss” & sometimes having tantrums because they didn’t get enough love before he leaves. =) Making sure my kids saw me give hello & goodbye hugs & kisses was an easy fix.
    “What makes you nervous about these conversations?” I’m not necessarily nervous about the conversations, but more that something I’m doing (or not doing) will mess up how they see sex & intimacy. I don’t want to have to “undo” something that’s more difficult than hello hugs & kisses. I’m nervous about how I’ll balance discussing my own failures & consequences with my desire for them to have better. I want them to know the guidelines God set up & the standard they should aspire to without feeling like a Christian failure if they slip. I felt as though I couldn’t be honest with my parents about anything regarding sex, like discussing an “escape plan,” because I thought they would never understand my struggle due to their perfection. I want to be a safe place to come to when they need help and always bring it back to a matter of where their hearts are with God.

  2. I learned the basics (no detail at all) about sex from my parents. They both were consistent in telling my five siblings and I that God intended sex for marriage only, and that our marriages would be healthier if we waited for our spouses. I do remember also talking to my friends about sex. Some of my friends were active as young as 13. I observed through my friends lives of how much pain and suffering it caused. They were not emotionally or physically ready for it. My oldest being 8 and a boy, is starting to ask questions, and be more curious about the differences between a boy and a girl. He is very curious about where babies come out off. All I have been able to tell him so far is that babies come from a mommy’s special place. LOL I figure I can wait for detail a few more years at least. I will be completely honest it is uncomfortable to talk to them about sex, but my husband and I have managed so far to answer their questions as best as we know how in an age appropriate way. As soon as my kids were old enough to hold even a small conversation with me, I would tell them that there is one special person out there for each of them, and that that person deserves their whole heart. I hope my husband and I can continue to openly talked to our kids in a way that will encourage them to wait till marriage.

    • Thanks for sharing Susie. Could you then resonate with the encouragement to moms to drive home the fact that all they are hearing from their friends is not always true? I love how you are always telling them there is a special person out there for them who deserves their whole heart 🙂

  3. Hi – This weeks study was enlightening and encouraging and empowering for me as a mom. This has helped continue the discussion with my husband how best to continue our conversations with our boys especially. I really appreciated the idea of writing out an escape plan or how a conversation might go during a teachable moment, as it seems we are always trying to stay one step ahead of them and being prepared to answer questions as they come. When we were in the process of adopting our daughter, 3+ years ago, our boys had lots of questions since they met the birth family and watched and participated in our family growing, the hows and whys all came up. I am curious as my children grow and our discussions about their own adoption deepen and as they grow in understanding the tough choices their birth families had to make, how it might impact their own decisions as they mature.

    As a teenager/young adult, I definitely saw girls as either “good girls” or “bad girls”. Now I know that God looks at the heart and all have sinned and fallen short. I am truly thankful for God’s grace. Today while I do want my children to obey and follow the rules, I am more troubled when their hearts are hard towards correction or when wrongdoing is exposed. While I am nervous about the conversations about sex, I am more concerned that they don’t believe the lies of this world and that they would sin in part because they are ill-informed. I am so thankful for the truths in God’s word as a guide for us and moms like you who are in this with me.

    • Jennifer, I’m constantly amazed at the wisdom God has given you and am thankful you shared where you’re at with this. Your response has encouraged me greatly and reminded me how glad I am that our boys are best friends. Did you practice writing out the escape plan or how the conversation might go? Truthfully… I had a hard time putting pen to paper on that one.

    • so encouraged by your comment jennifer…to point out that we all mess up. it’s having a soft heart toward correction or when a wrongdoing is exposed that matters. something i want to instill in my boys now while they’re so young. such a great reminder…thanks!

  4. Suzie – Yeah the conversation of the escape plan sounds uncomfortable at best, but even now my boys need an escape plan for other temptations but applying to them being in a tempting position sexually, well that seems unimaginable at this point. But Jr. High is right about the corner! I am thankful that Rob and I are together in this along with our church family and friends to walk with us and our children.

    At our family dinner table we have a game called Family Choices – Proverbs Edition. Basically it’s a card game where each card lays out a dilemma that the kids may face and we will pick one and discuss how each of us may handle the situation and then consider some biblical virtues in Proverbs to apply. We play occasionally while eating dinner or having a snack. While playing “what if” while the boys are 7 and 11 now, hopefully sets the stage to talk about bigger what ifs down the road. I used to roll my eyes at roll playing, but now I see the power it gives the boys to have the words and practice while at home.

    What I like about the game also, is that it can stir in the boys to recall a similar true situation they have been in and how it turned out, we can talk about when God helped them and they had a victory and when they made a bad choice and how it could go better next time. It helps them in their faith to remember when God provided a way out and they listened to that prompting. Just like us in our faith, God calls us to remember.

    Of course all this is on a good day, there are lots of days that it’s really hard to work with the kids in training them and equipping them to love God and follow Him all the days of their lives. But reading this book and the bible and hearing from you and others has been really encouraging to me.

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